crying..........................................

:0

Today I broke down in the middle of bicep curls - mostly out of frustration because after the 9th rep I just couldn't lift it and it was driving me insane - there were several points when I just thought WTF am I doing this for? Why am I killing myself like this?

Why? Why? Because I don’t want ever go back to being 'that' girl and also because in time I will have a healthy body even if that means I cry every time I work out! I refuse to let the fat win. There will be only one winner in the end of this fight and that is me!

Sometimes it’s so hard to push yourself when you just want to give up - but I have spent more than half my life 'giving up' on my body, on my health - and I cant, I refuse to do it anymore.

It's a really strange time for me right now, my weightloss journey and my lifestyle change is 6 months in and with each new day, each kilo dropped it gets tougher, harder and more agonizing.

I have 9 days until reach the mid way point. I still can’t quite believe I have reached six months already. I've gone from fitting into a very tight size 22 to fitting into a size 16.... this shocks me and when I look in the mirror and I don’t know me, however I looked pictures of me 5 or 6 months ago and I don’t recognize that girl either. That’s confuddling

Whilst I feel positive and happy every day - these past few days I have felt emotional and tearful...I know what I am doing is changing my life so much and so quickly. The weeks seem to flash past and physically I am disappearing but mentally and emotionally I don’t think I have caught up with that body mass loss. I feel fairly overwhelmed with how people are really starting to notice - it makes me feel sad, happy, even smug one occasion when I came face to face with a frenemie who was most shocked to see how much weight I have lost.

Regardless to what emotional I feel the biggest thing for me is accepting my smaller size. As I can never remember being a normal weight so I have no idea what it was once like to be normal weight so adjusting now being smaller, is hard, I'm looking at myself in the mirror and shaking my head in disbelief and perhaps fear. I have an overwhelming fear that I'm going to wake up one day and find this was all dream and that I am still 117kg (18stone4) and not my current weight....

I know the next 6 months, are the next step... the next push...the big push, its going to get harder, and I'm going to have to work harder... fight harder, cry, god knows what else as well... and I'm scared.... I'm scared of what the next six months holds, I'm scared of failing, I'm scared of what I am going to be.... and whilst I'm scared I know if I want this I have to fight... and fight for me - not for any one else, but for me, fight for my life, for my wellbeing and for my mental health.

I know that every time I cry, every time I ache, or burn, or think WTF I am doing I have to re focus, on saving my life... because I put myself here... and only I can pull myself out...

As Jillian Michaels says.....

"The past does not define, you the present does."

"Unless You Puke, Faint or Die, Keep Going!"

"Sometimes people will hear you and be able to change their behavior, but often their behavior has more to do with their own need for approval than with your need for support. No matter what their response, you need to be firm and hold your ground. At the end of the day, your health is your responsibility."